Life Lately

Has been about the past. And I know that's something I (we) should not think of anymore. There have been regrets on what I thought were right decisions and still, some to make, in which my heart couldn't contemplate. Should it be what is right or what makes me happy?

I chose the latter at first. I grabbed the opportunity I was waiting for since fifteen. It was fun and boy I love how it drives me crazy. I was happy for months but something's missing until cloud nine evaporated over time. It didn't feel right anymore.

So, I left my second home, a place where I was longing to be. I left the spot I worked hard for, for a place I knew nothing about. I took a different path instead and got lost in so many ways. That time, it was something I thought was the right thing to do until now. Each day, I feel like a force is pulling me to look back and whenever I allow it to, all I do is regret the choices I made and with a snap, I'm not happy.

But what makes you happy is always the right thing. And if you do the right thing, you'll be happy. Right?

If that is true, then why do I feel sadder than sadness and dejected than ever? Why do I feel the other way around if I just did the right thing? Maybe, I did not and that is why.

I learned that when you rush things, it will do you no good. Pause and savor the moment. Stop and make the most of what you have. I realized, you just got to wait a little longer to see if the battle is really worth the fight. And if it no longer interests you, maybe that's when you move forward and take a different path. It's just that, I got tired of waiting for the magic to happen. Eight months is a long time, right? Please tell me I'm right because honestly, I don't know what's right anymore.

Life lately has also been about learning to trust yourself and not everyone or even someone so dear to you because one day, he will break it into pieces and you will not be able to fix it to its original form. It's also about finding out that you can't trust everyone in your circle. That, your friend is not a friend until you found out that your future depends on him. He just controlled your life without knowing it. He knows how badly you want and need that break and he just took it away from you without a single word. And there's nothing you can do but try desperately not to care. I figured, betrayal comes from those whom you trust the most. Who else would it be anyway?

Life lately has been hard but I choose to walk through it.

I remember a line from one of my favorite movies that we can't move forward if we keep holding the past. They want me to forget it. But I don't want to. Maybe, just stop thinking about it. Not totally forget it. It's a whole lot different thing. I know I shouldn't but isn't it what makes us who we are today?

Perhaps, past is a good thing.